Let’s start back one year before COVID hit.
One year before COVID hit, I was 65 years old and managing a cleaning business. I suffered from Fibromyalgia but didn’t think much of it even though I tired quickly. Eventually my husband Peter had to work for me. So, when COVID hit, we shut down the cleaning business and retired.
On January 20 2020, I had a heart attack. (The doctor said it was very small and put me on blood thinners.
I continued to deteriorate to the point I couldn’t get in and out of a chair or bed myself. I needed help cutting my food and bathing. I couldn’t sleep because the pain was so bad. I’d sleep 2 or 3 hours a day and then crash every couple of weeks. The pain was worse at night; so bad I’d wake Peter up crying. He’d try everything; heat pads, ice pack, A5-35, massager and prayer.
When the pain was like this I couldn’t sit or stand or lie down for more than a couple of minutes. So, I’d stand and rock back and forth until I couldn’t do it any longer. Then I’d sit for maybe 2 minutes and then stand again. I’d do this for hours.
Although I have a very high pain threshold, there were many times in the night I’d be wailing. I begged God to strike me dead—I wanted God to end this for me. I just wanted the pain and exhaustion to stop. I thank God for His love, mercy, forgiveness, and that He didn’t grant my prayer.
It was my daughter Kate who concluded it was perhaps more than Fibromyalgia. We took a look at a list of 10 symptoms; I had 9 of them. Eventually I saw a doctor and a neurologist and they both confirmed a diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease.
Hearing that name was like getting hit with a tsunami of sledgehammers even though I was in the early stages. I knew just enough about it to know what might come. This knowledge was more than I could deal with at the time. My mind and body were in a very weakened state and this diagnosis ruined all our plans for retirement. It was our time to be a little selfish, travel and enjoy ourselves—this all seemed so unfair. Even though the medication made me a great deal better; I was angry. Not your ordinary everyday angry. I’m talking RAGE!! And this rage was aimed at God. After all, He could heal me or could have kept me from getting sick.
The more I thought about it and muttered to myself the hotter the rage became. Finally, one day I was spouting off to Peter unthinkable things about God. I picked up my dusty Bible, told God in some ripe language where to go and threw my Bible into the garbage.
I talked in my head about God and how He did everything wrong and I questioned Him on everything. I had gone to a very dark place. Only now has God revealed to me how dark.
During this time, I constantly questioned God, begging Him actually demanding an answer. Strangely enough I still called Him “Papa” when I spoke to Him as had been my habit.
I was living under a veil of fear of hell and guilt. I knew it was hard on my husband not having a spiritual wife anymore. I had quit going to church and it must have been hard for him to go alone.
By this time, it was 4 years later. Slowly over time my rage was diminishing. Now my question to God was more a question not a demand. Still Heaven felt silent which I thought was pretty unreasonable.
Part of being ill with a disease like Parkingson’s is shame. I know that makes no sense but, it’s very real. Shame is a part of the illness.
Here I felt old, infirmed, useless; a pathetic sight. No matter how much people told Peter that they missed me or asked for me; I had convinced myself no one even noticed or cared I was gone from church.
I finally got up the courage, at Lorna’s prompting, to go to a game’s night in Feb 2024. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. But when I walked in, I was received with such love and dignity. No one asked questions, they just loved me.
I didn’t go to church the Sunday after the game’s night. I did however pray the Sinner’s Prayer that week. It was dry and uneventful—no emotion. God was obviously working on my heart; I just didn’t see it. I thought I was beyond God using me or getting my spiritual gifts back. This was more like a business deal with God.
Sunday April 7 of 2024 was the first time I came to church after my diagnosis. I was doing it mostly to honour my husband. Pastor Kenn Gill was speaking on spending time with the Father and not asking for anything.
I found myself wanting to sing loudly and put my hands up in surrender. It was not a decision; I just did it. Emotion came over me and I was truly worshipping. How I got from where I was to here, I have no idea.
Then the following Sunday Pastor John was speaking. Again, I was truly worshipping and I sensed Holy Spirit was filling me. I could feel myself beginning to shake from head to toe with His power and love. Then Pastor John said something about asking God for power. Out of my mouth (without forethought it just came out) I said: “I don’t want your power until I have your heart. I want my heart to beat in unison with Yours.” God usually speaks to me in pictures and immediately I saw a picture of God’s hands; one on each side of my rib cage. He pulled my chest open… like in heart surgery and He put His hand inside my chest and put His hand over my heart. My heartbeat once and His hand was gone. Down I went into my chair so full of joy. My stomach was full of gurgling joy. This has not left me. Sometimes it is calmer but always there.
I feel SO happy, SO joyful, SO alive like never before (Galatians 5:22-23 NKJV).
The grace of God is so great.
Although I had come to a peace about Parkinson’s, God showed me this picture. He and I were walking along the top of a mountain range. He said look at the mountain, it has a name. I looked down and written along the side was the word (in giant mountain-sized letters) PARKINSON’S. God said to me “Parkinson’s has your body right now but it shall never have your soul again.”
Remember I said I was in a dark place. I asked God to show me how dark… because I had to know. He showed me it was a sewer I was walking in… but He was beside me.Imagine a love so strong to enable you to walk through a sewer for 4 years!
Before all this I was always on the prayer team or intercessor teams at other churches. The gifts flowed but never such joy as now. My relationship with God was more clinical. I would pray and worship; always striving to find that loving Father /Daughter relationship.)
I saved one encounter with Holy Spirit until last.
A couple of days after my God heart surgery; I was waiting in the car for Peter and I started speaking in tongues and worshipping and felt a stirring of the joy in my stomach. As crazy as this sounds I said: “Papa, I feel like my joy is pregnant.” He said: “It is.”
I was overcome with the presence of Holy Spirit. I shouted out: “I don’t want 1 baby or 2, I want a whole litter!” God has so much grace and love and mercy. He shows or tells us stuff we don’t deserve to see or hear. Now I don’t strain to talk to God or worship. The desire to worship Him and speak in tongues is always on my lips.